I keep hearing the words “courage” and “bravery” associated with me and find that ironic because I actually feel selfish. I’m not brave in this battle. I’m fighting for my life. Bravery is that which you sacrifice for others. Our soldiers are brave. Our firefighters are brave. And our police are brave. I on the other hand, just don’t plan to die. I have things I want to do. So my only choice is in how I plan to face this battle.
I would like to say that I considered curling up in a ball and letting this all wash over me, but that isn’t my nature. I’m more like a Bull Terrier with a chew toy . . . pulling and tugging and trying to manage the situation. I may not have the grace and elegance of Robin Roberts as she faces her battle, but I do have humor on my side. I have always looked at the world in a quirky way and things that shouldn’t, make me laugh. And usually, when I’m laughing at inappropriate times, my friend Tess is at my side and we are in stitches.
I don’t have a bucket list, but I have started a small list of unfinished things that I plan to do once chemo is over:
- Be on the Ellen Degeneres Show and shamelessly plug my blog
- Get an email from Robin Roberts saying I made her laugh
- Travel to Australia and New Zealand with Gene next November to celebrate our 30th Anniversary (late)
- Write a book and dedicate it to my Dad
- Put up the best Christmas tree ever next year (this year is going sans tree)
- Hug my children and thank my husband every chance I get
So call me strong. Call me determined. And please, oh please, call me funny. But don’t call me brave.
(These first two posts were written at the beginning of my journey. I have posted them here, at the top of my blog, permanently because they summarize my journey. If you are new to blogs, all posts are in reverse chronological order. For your convenience, there are categories in the right column that sort posts by a particular topic.)
Kathy,
You are one very strong determined woman and I feel very lucky to know you. You are telling all of us what it is like to be in your situation. The knowledge that you are passing on will undoubtably be a benefit to many in the future. I love your humor and know it is a supper coping tool.
Pam
You never know how strong you are until you have to be.
all of your goals are attainable – good list – and I get what you are saying about bravery.
I think we use the words brave and courageous is because you have set up a set of rules under which you want to attack this and BECAUSE you are willing to share all you are going through, there will be others who will learn by this and should it (God forbid) happen to them, they will know better how to handle it. You could have curled up in a ball, felt sorry for yourself and took a year off from the world, but you didn’t. You are dealing with this head on (albeit hairless) with what the rest of us view as courageous.
Oh and you are very funny too 🙂
YES, Kathy – You ARE BRAVE. Do you see any Synonyms below that apply to YOU — I certainly do! I have put your name next to 6 that are POSITIVELY YOU, and there are several others that I would associate with you, but don’t want to embarrass you TOO much.
AND you ARE FUNNY! Every one of your blogs makes me laugh – including THIS one. WHO on earth could go through what YOU are going through and NOT be BRAVE?
WIKISAURUS Definition – brave
English – Adjective
Sense: of a person, strong in the face of fear; courageous
Synonyms
adventurous
bold
chivalrous
courageous – Kathy
daredevil
daring
dauntless – Kathy
fearless
gallant – Kathy
gutsy – Kathy
heroic
intrepid
stalwart
unafraid
undaunted – Kathy
valiant – Kathy
valorous
venturesome
LOOK OUT ELLEN – here comes KATHY!!!!
LOVE YOU.
I understand your thinking on BRAVE. You don’t see it as being brave when this cancer diagnosis was forced upon you. Now how can you feel brave when nobody gave you a choice? So you don’t feel brave….But you can feel all the other synonyms listed above. But don’t try and live up to being brave. Be Kathy, don’t let the cancer define you.
ABSOLUTELY!
You are WHO you are – a thoughtful, loving, caring wife, mother, and friend to EVERYONE on your team.
Your methodical way of thinking allows you to “compartmentalize” each step and stage of the process – like you said – Cross things OFF of that list.
And you have crossed off quite a few things since you started – RIGHT?
It must be about time to blow up that 2nd pumpkin – signaling the half-way point of STAGE 1 in the “Treatment” department.
Give it all you’ve got! I put the list up there as a “VISUAL AIDE” – to let you know that there are more layers to YOU than you may think.
WE (TEAM KATHY everywhere) are pulling for you and praying for you every day.
And don’t forget – you are on MARY’S list – even though she cannot physically “TELL” you so. In today’s world, you do not get much closer than THAT!
Ah, the second pumpkin! I need to post! We blew up two mushy pumpkins, a potato, an apple and a bottle of colored water. Gene did the shooting since I was too week to raise even a hand gun. It was cathartic. I laughed so hard. No photos this time because I was feeling pretty poorly and it was too much effort. But the fish are feasting on vegetables!
Chris,
“Don’t let cance define you.” I think that is what I struggle with most. I certainly don’t want to be “the cancer lady.” But it does take up most of my time an energy right now, so it gets in the way. I try to do “normal” stuff on the good days. For example, Gene and I have adopted a family for the holidays, and I’m having so much fun shopping for them. And I’m looking at some foundation ideas for the future when I would have time to direct them. And finally, I’m thinking of taking a photoshop class to learn how to make people disappear from photos! Now that amuses me.
Well CRAP!! I just nominated you for the Ellen Degeneres Show a few minutes ago! Then I thought, I might need to catch up on your blog and what do I read??? Your not Brave, CRAP CRAP CRAP!!! this is what I said on your nomination… I wrote you are my BRAVE Sister fighting Breast Cancer…. Go figure!!! I never listened to you anyway because you always sell your self short in life.
But I will NEVER deny my LOVE for you!! Your my BRAVE Sister!!!!
Love you lots 🙂
Tammy
I’m going to tell Mom you said crap four times on the internet!
LOL! We are all blessed to be able to laugh along with you on this journey. I ditto what has already been said. Thank you for being open and allowing us to be TEAM KATHY!
We love ya!
You are brave and funny, and honest and real, and I will watch you on Ellen.
(And I’m glad to read you’ve added New Zealand to your Australia trip.) 🙂
Hugs from Norway!!
Kathy, I am posting this to let you know that even a friend who hasn’t seen you in a lot of years thinks YOU ARE FUNNY. VERY funny. And I agree, don’t let that cancer crap or chemo crap define you. Let your sense of humor define you. And go ahead and tell your mom I used “crap” twice because I’m sure she doesn’t remember me. In fact, here’s what I have to say about cancer and chemo: crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap!!!!
Keep on laughing—Sandy